Monday, December 5, 2011

Holiday Horror

When I created this blog a couple years ago, my first post was a list of Christmas horror films that I had compiled for the publisher of a magazine I really enjoy reading.  I was very concerned with sharing my list with anybody who might be interested, because I love holiday horror movies, and like every other misguided and overly opinionated schmuck who thinks he has something to offer the world via blog, grammatically incorrect posts on, or incredibly lame review videos on YouTube, I too believed I had new insight to offer about these films.  In time I’ve come to my senses and realize I have nothing to add that hasn’t already been hashed out to death by these socially retarded fan boys.  Still, it fills a little void, and I happily accept that I am no critic (nor am I a very good writer for that matter).  The movies I review on this blog are movies I love.  If I don’t like a film, I just ignore it.  I’d much rather spend my time raving about the things I enjoy than wasting my time ripping apart the things I can’t stand; I’ll leave that to the real asshole critics.
Alright, glad I got that out.  Moving on, I’d like to recommend three more of my favorite Xmas horror films for the holiday season, and here they are in no particular order.  Enjoy.

Soft for Digging (2001)
J.T. Petty’s simple yet effective little ghost story is an intriguing watch with almost no dialogue and few characters.  An old hermit witnesses the murder of a little girl in the forest that surrounds his home, but after a community search for the missing body with no results and a few otiose trips to the supposed scene of the crime, the authorities begin to think the witness is just a senile old kook.  This eventually leads to the old man taking it upon himself to solve the crime and, well, things aren’t what they seem.  The story is really nothing new, but the execution is brilliant.  Even my wife who had just worked a thirteen hour shift stuck around until the end.  It’s impressive how one can create a film in which the mundane life of an old man, accompanied by bits of piano sprinkled in between the ambience of the woods and inside the man’s cabin, can keep a viewer’s attention; and this director, with his first film, had no problem pulling it off.  So sit down with some eggnog and a pair of comfy long johns and enjoy.

Mum & Dad (2008)
A sexually deranged family of thieves, led by the sadistic husband and wife team simply known as Mum and Dad, work together to kidnap, adopt, and often rape, torture, and murder young people who could potentially benefit the order of things for this fucked-up group of said villains.  In an age when any and all forms of depravity are permissible in the world of horror, it’s hard to judge just how sick this movie really is.  There are thousands like it, but only few in which the actors capture the essence of such evil and disgusting characters as Mum and Dad.  These puppies are sick and easy to hate.  I for one needed the good guys to win this time around.  Check it out.  It’s not really a Christmas movie, but for the last half hour of the film, the family decides to celebrate the season (whether it’s Xmas time or not) with stolen presents, family awkwardness, and good ol’ fashion holiday murder.

Santa Claws (1996)
Yay for Debbie Rochon!  Yay for boobies!  But other than these two wonderful gifts to mankind, there’s not much else going for this John Russo cheapie.  It’s nice to see the team responsible for the original Night of the Living Dead together again, and I can hang with the idea of trying to combine 1980’s old school slasher film with 1960’s nudie cutie, but sheesh! What a pile of turd!  What a stench of vomit!  What an awesome experience!!!  There is so much to love about this movie.  You get the discrepancies in continuity, dubbing, and any other technical issues that go into movie making, and you get a plot that goes a bit like this:  Childhood trauma causes psychotic, retarded neighbor in love with Rochon’s character to dress up as Santa Claws and go on a killing spree.  Children get drugged, associates get naked and die, loser husband solves the mystery, and scream queen kills the bad guy.  Who watches this shit?


  1. Hello, Joe Whiteford.
    Thank you for the music make.
    It's been an invaluable tool for meditation,
    and has helped me with my daily ritual of having to suppress my latent rage and disgust.

    Your lyrics make me laugh pretty much every time I hear them. I don't know if that means I'm fucked up in the head.

    I think your drastic change from promoting Christianity to playfully poking fun at it is amusing, and I relate to that kind of moral 180 very well. I'm from a pretty tiny Christian/Catholic dominated town (literally called Cut Off. Don't know if that helps with getting the picture), and had my share of other people's beliefs shoved down my throat every day.

    I guess what I'm saying is that your music, in some weird way, has helped me to cope with my rage and depression.

    I'd drive all the way to Indiana just to eat her brains.

    Please never stop writing music,

  2. Thanks for taking the time to comment, Sam. I'm glad you can relate to and enjoy the music. Take care and thanks again.

    And I'm sure you're not fucked in the head. The lyrics are supposed to make you laugh. Unless I'm just fucked in the head too.