Open Water

I remember going to see Chris Kentis’ Open Water (2004) in the theater with some friends a week or two after it had been released. Except for our little group, the theater was pretty much empty. By the time the film was over, I was in awe of its ability to put my mind in such a state of uneasiness, but I don’t think my party shared my view. Most of them thought the movie was drawn out and boring. One of my friends suggested the outcome was inevitable. In his opinion, it was quite obvious that the couple was never going to be rescued, rendering the ending less affective. I disagree. Throughout the whole film I held on to the notion that there was still hope for the husband and wife. In the end, when they finally succumbed to their fates, my hopes were crushed. I remember being disturbed by the way the wife finally gave in—just when the authorities had sent out a rescue party.

Something like that could easily happen to anybody. The thought of my wife and I getting left in the middle of the ocean while on vacation utterly terrifies me. A few years ago I took a cruise to Jamaica with my family, and I remember looking out into the ocean on one of the late nights when no one else was around. I had thought to myself, if I fall overboard nobody will be able to save me. The thought was mesmerizing. I know this may seem crazy, but I was so hypnotized by that awesome view, I almost felt compelled to jump. It was as if I were being called to some unknown world that would cost me my life to enter; a world full of creatures that my imagination couldn’t create. I wouldn’t say I have a phobia, but when I think about the greatness of the oceans and the mysteries that lie beneath, I tend to feel a little uneasy. So yeah, the idea of being left in the middle of an abyss scares me.

Eden Lake

I can recall the exact date I first experienced James Watkins' Eden Lake (2008). It was the 22nd of March last year that I was so troubled by what I witnessed on the screen that I decided to write a letter to the editor of Rue Morgue magazine. I’ve copied the letter here, because I feel it gives a clear illustration of how I felt, and continue to feel, about this picture:


Dear Jovanka,
I’m trying to think of a way to begin this letter, but I guess I already have, so I’ll just get straight to the point. First off, I am a horror film junkie, and in most cases, the sicker the better in my opinion. I watch horror films to be disturbed, or turned on, or even just for a laugh, but I’ve never been moved the way I was tonight while viewing the film Eden Lake.

Personally, this film is by far one of the most important works of art I’ve experienced in years. Its message was so poignant and disturbing, yet so encouraging at the same time. I’m sure you’ve seen it and I wonder if you share my appreciation for such a responsible film. As I was watching I was hoping for some kind of a happy revenge-type ending, but instead I got one that will be stuck in my mind for days. It amazes me how such a visceral and suspenseful film can convey such a profound yet simple message while forcing its audience to question their own morals and responsibilities as parents, teachers, and role models to the generations after us. I was able to relate to the protagonist, myself majoring in elementary education. I consider myself one of the good guys—someone who’d rather influence the world around me positively—even though many would say I’m responsible for corrupting young minds through explicit and subversive music and art. I also have a ten month old to whom it is my duty to raise with a kind and compassionate heart. I have an understanding that if I love my child he will love others, and if I hurt my child he will most likely hurt others. This film, in my opinion, focuses on the consequences of a world where irresponsible adults fail to accept their roles in shaping a younger generation to do what is right and adhere to some kind of moral code. The future of our race really is in our children’s hands. It’s our job to make sure we’re teaching them compassion, character, and integrity. The true horror is that we ourselves don’t know compassion, character, or integrity. What I’m trying to say is that this film encouraged me to continue my studies and become a teacher to help mold young minds. Who knows? Their parents might be failing to do so.

Bravo to the director and writer for conveying an important message through art, and best of all horrific art. This is an intelligent film for social-minded people. Anyone with an awareness of horror that goes beyond boobs, blood, and beasts—though all three elements are definite perks—should check out Eden Lake and hopefully be encouraged to accept responsibility for those who are younger and more impressionable. Either that or just stop reproducing.
Yours truly,
Joseph Whiteford

Somebody, shut off my brain.

My mind has been fucking with me lately. I’ve been bothered with all this shit floating around in this small brain of mine. I notice that my tics have been more severe than usual and that scares me, because I twitch and fidget all day just to tense up in bed when I finally collapse, hours after I get my ass off this couch; and worse than that, my little boy emulates my every move. It scares me to witness his little idiosyncrasies when he gets excited: the curling of his fingers, the tensing of his neck muscles, and his unintentional refusal to breathe when he gets overwhelmed with happiness. Am I abusing my child?

There are many things eating at me lately. Not only do I feel that I have no time to finish projects and goals I’ve set for myself, but I’ve been eating way too much ice cream (and nothing else). Also, as excited as I am about my wife being pregnant with another bundle of fulfillment, I’m worried about the expense and fatigue that come along with adding another being to our little family. And though I love art and music, my band has been working on the new Harley Poe album for about two years now and I’m just to the point where I don’t care how it turns out, I just want it finished; but even if we do finish it, then what? Though I have a great desire to tour, it’s just too hard to leave my babies behind; and since I’m not touring, I’d better find a career in a secure vocation that can support my family.

So here I am two years into becoming an elementary school teacher, knowing without a doubt that I’d much rather make a living as a writer or an artist or a musician of some kind. I realized yesterday through my IUK education class that my motives are all wrong for becoming a teacher. I think I’m supposed to be doing something else, but do I take a chance and go to art school? Do I drop out, get a retail job, and hope that I begin to sell more paintings or that some big wig randomly discovers my band and wants to give me lots of money for playing at the same bar every month? Is it more realistic to let my wife bring in the money while I change diapers and attempt to write a bestselling novel or picture book, or should I ignore these feelings, suck it up, jump into a career that might not bring fulfillment, and regret my decisions until I die?

Honestly, my intention for writing this post was not to vent about mundane issues (I'm just good at doing that), but to give praise to three films that never fail to fuck with my head. These movies are Rosemary’s Baby (1968), Open Water (2004), and Eden Lake (2008). For all different reasons, after viewing any of these three poignant works of art, I’m left with emotions that keep me from sleep and stress me out, just like the shit that’s been floating around in my small brain. Within my next three posts, I will discuss the reasons why I’m so affected by these three masterpieces.

Terror Train

I remember surfing the idiot box one night after my dad had fallen asleep on the couch and my mom had gone to bed. I’m guessing I was in fifth or sixth grade at the time. There’s no doubt I was looking for something to satiate my perpetual preteen lust for the opposite sex, when I came across a program with the title Women of Terror or Women in Horror, or something along those lines. From what I gathered, the show contained bits of scenes from scary movies featuring women in horrific situations; or maybe it was a show paying tribute to scream queens. I had only caught the last ten minutes or so of the program, so I don’t remember much about it, but I do recall the scene that was playing when I first switched to the channel it was on: My eyes were glued to the picture box containing this distressed woman being chased by an axe-wielding villain wearing a robe and a creepy mask. I had to turn down the volume as to not wake my dad, because there was so much screaming. The scene was nail biting. I couldn’t believe at the time that so much blood and torture was being shown on television, especially when the pursuer pulled out the lady’s earring, right before she jabbed a paper spike through his cheek. The segment was shortly over, along with the program, but the images had been burned in my impressionable mind and I often wondered about the movie from which that nightmare had been taken.

Fast forward to the year 2004 when the movie Terror Train (1980) was released on DVD. At that time I already owned a pretty big horror film collection and never thought twice about picking up new DVD releases of older movies that I had heard were classics. I had never seen the film so I was ecstatic when, to my surprise, the protagonist got her earring ripped out by a psycho in a creepy mask and a robe. That terrified cutie was Jamie Lee Curtis, and the scene wasn’t nearly as bloody or as scary as I had perceived as a child. No matter, I had finally found the film that had so frightened me as a boy while flipping through the boob tube looking for boobs.

Anyway, I’m reminiscing about this experience because tonight is New Year’s Eve, and the atrocities featured in Terror Train take place on New Year’s Eve. This is another one of those films I love to watch every year at this time. The movie is by no means a masterpiece, but it is entertaining enough, and getting trashed (not axed) with a bunch of friends in a train on New Year’s Eve sounds like a blast! I think I’ve just made my party plans for next year…minus the psycho killer.

Looking for a Good Christmas Movie to Watch this Season?

Here are seven of the many Christmas horror films I tend to watch every December. Some are classics and some are just rotten.

Black Christmas (1974)
On Christmas day when the rest of the country is reminiscing through A Christmas Story (1983), horror fans will be observing Bob Clark’s other holiday masterpiece Black Christmas. A deranged killer has snuck into a sorority house and is discreetly picking off the sisters while making obscene phone calls to those still alive through the housemother’s private line. Black Christmas set a standard for horror films with its innovative execution of scenes through the killer’s perspective, original story, and still poignant ending. Nice humorous touches and involving performances keep the sometimes slow pace moving. Black Christmas is a truly terrifying experience, but watch out for the 2006 remake.

Gremlins (1984)
To creature lovers who were tykes growing up in the 1980’s, Gremlins will always be hailed as a Christmas classic! One need not be a horror fan to enjoy this highly entertaining, cautionary Yuletide tale about little green monsters running amok in the troubled town of Kingston Falls. Gremlins offers a fun balance of scares and laughs, silly at times, but never skimping on the elements that give the film the bit of terror to keep the horror hounds happy. The great puppetry and effects that are displayed before the days of CGI never seem to become outmoded, and the likable cast brings depth to the film. Gremlins is mandatory viewing for the Christmas season.

Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984)
“Are you scared? You should be; Christmas Eve is the scariest damn night of the year.” If it’s not bad enough that little Billy’s crazy grandfather scared the shit out of him by telling him Santa likes to punish bad children, later that night Billy’s parents get murdered by a cutthroat dressed in a Santa suit. After growing up in a Catholic orphanage, Billy finds employment at a toy store where he is asked to play old fatty, which evokes his haunting past, causing him to go on the inevitable, murderous rampage. A favorite amongst sleaze enthusiasts, this slasher film was pulled from theaters due to protesting parents. Among the many reasons to check it out, one gets to see the salacious Linnea Quigley impaled by antlers.

You Better Watch Out, A.K.A Christmas Evil (1980)
Harry Stadling is an unbalanced but thoughtful social misfit who is obsessed with Christmas and the delusion of being Santa Claus. He spends his days collecting dolls and Christmas memorabilia, spying on children while keeping track of their deeds, and getting badgered by his associates at the toy factory until the big day when he can reward the nice and punish the naughty. This strange film has a sad but touching tone to it. Even though Harry punishes his hecklers via toy soldiers and Christmas tree toppers, it’s obvious that he genuinely cares for the children and believes he’s acting on the spirit of Christmas. A magical ending and a strong protagonist for whom the viewer can sympathize make this film worth checking out.

Inside (2007)
Those who like their holidays violent and cruel have a reason to celebrate, because there’s nothing holly or jolly about this ultra bloody French film other than the setting is the night before Christmas. For those who enjoy gallons of gore rather than eggnog, this desolate little treasure is a gift to behold. A young pregnant woman trapped in her home on Christmas Eve is being terrorized by a scissor wielding psycho with one objective: to rip out her victim’s fetus and mutilate anyone who gets in her way. Relentless to the senses and lacking depth, this film is definitely not for everyone, but those with a love for the genre will embrace its aesthetic harshness of punctured faces and blood tarnished floors.

Night Train Murders (1975)
One of Great Britain’s notorious “video nasties,” this Italian imitation of The Last House on the Left (1972) is a raunchy treat. Two college cuties returning home for the Holidays by train find themselves at the mercy of a couple of lowlife delinquents and a mysterious woman who instigates said delinquents to humiliate, beat, and rape the coeds. On Christmas morning the culprits inadvertently end up at the home of one of the girls to face the wrath of her father who, before he had found out about his daughter’s calamity, claimed to be a nonviolent person. It seems the filmmakers were attempting to comment on the growing rate of violence in society, but they’re not fooling anyone. Night Train Murders is absolute exploitation and will make for nasty X-mas viewing.

P2 (2007)
Tom is a lonely parking garage attendant obsessed with the busy and beautiful Angela who works in the building above him. On Christmas Eve he decides to show her just how deranged he is by trapping and forcing her to spend the rest of the night dining and getting to know him and his dog Bucky. P2 is a pretty routine thriller with nothing new to offer, but the cast plays it straight with good emotion, and there is plenty of gore and a few good scares. It’s hard to tell what Tom’s ultimate intentions are towards Angela, other than being a complete weirdo, but one can easily see he has no qualms about smashing cars and heads. The whole movie takes place in the parking garage and the building above, causing a bit of monotony, but it’s still worth a look.