The Mad Rantings of HARLEY POE!

Sex Dolls

2012-02-13T23:07:00.000-08:00

Right before my old band Calibretto went our separate ways, we released a split album with Philadelphia's Mercury Radio Theater called All of These Things Do Not Belong. That CD features a song that I had written called "The Object of My Infection" which later appeared as a live bonus track on Harley Poe's second release The Dead and the Naked. Harley Poe played it a lot faster and shortened the name to just "Olivia." A year after that, we recorded a studio version of the song and released it on another split album we did with Seattle's Dead Vampires. Well, hold on to your pee pees because another version is about to be released on Rue Morgue Radio's Hymns from the House of Horror Vol. III! This particular version was recorded during the studio sessions for our upcoming LP Satan, Sex and No Regrets. I initially had no plans to record it for the, um, fourth time, but...well...whatever. It became a B-side and now fans will only be able to hear it this March exclusively through rue-morgue.com. It's my favorite version by far, featuring upright bass and guitjo.

So anyway, I bring this song up not only to help push the new version, but also because of its content. To those of you who can't understand my lyrics, or have no idea what I'm singing about, the song is about a sex doll. More than that, it's about finding solace and pleasure in materialistic possessions and solitude. But mostly it's about having sex with an inanimate object. This lyrical message goes hand-in-hand with a twisted little film I like to watch around Valentine's Day every year called Love Object, written and directed by Robert Parigi. To give a quick synopsis, it's about a repressed and lonely office worker who wakes up everyday before his alarm goes off, arrives to work early, and does his job perfectly. That is until he finds out about a company that manufactures lifelike sex dolls and decides to order an artificial lover designed in the likeness of the new temp whom he has a crush on. As he fulfills his fantasies in his apartment through his surrogate girlfriend, he begins to get close to his office crush. Secrets are kept, lies are told, jealousy ensues, and of course...people die. Check it out; it's a good one.

Weird coincidence: I just finished reading an interesting book from 1990 on Anton LaVey called the Secret Life of a Satanist, and in chapter ten, the author Blanche Barton writes about LaVey's desire and vision to begin the development and manufacturing of artificial human companions. LaVey's announcement for such a plan was written in his newsletter way back in 1979. He believed there were economic and sexual advantages for a society that accepted artificial human companions as the norm. If only he had lived a bit longer to see his vision really take off. Just do a Google search and see how widely accepted this fetish is becoming. So if you find yourself curious, or maybe just tired of relationships in general--maybe you'd like to carry out some illegal fantasies, or try something a bit "different" in the bedroom, but can't find a willing partner--then it just might be time for you to sell your car or take out a loan and surf over to realdoll.com. Because those bitches ain't cheap.

Harley Poe on TOUR!!!

2012-02-02T06:14:00.000-08:00

Tour Dates and Cities:

Thursday, March 1st- Indianapolis, IN - the Hoosier Dome Joseph Whiteford
Friday, March 2nd- South Bend, IN- The Analecta House 1010 South 35th street Patrick Danger Quigley
Saturday, March 3rd- Grand Rapids, MI- Hold Fast Micah Hill
Sunday, March 4th- Kalamazoo, MI- Milhouse Nola Wiersma
Tuesday, March 6th- Cincinnati, OH- The Witler Joel Swanson
Wednesday, March 7th- Bowling Green, KY-WKU Campus Spot Light Jon Amy Jessup
Thursday, March 8th- Nashville, TN- Awesome Show details TBA Nathan Conrad, Zachary Paul Sullivan
Friday, March 9th- Memphis, TN- 1051 S. Cooper Street Kelsi Alexander
Saturday, March 10th- Looking for a place to play!
Sunday, March 11th- Logansport, IN- Jeremiah Brown

Harley Poe will be on tour with Derek Zanetti of The Homeless Gospel Choir from March 1st to March 11th. We will have new t-shirts (design above) and our new album Satan, Sex and No Regrets will be available on a limited run of CDs. The album will be released after the tour on vinyl, but we are accepting pre-orders now at chainsmokingrecords.com. As you know, Harley Poe doesn't go out much, so don't miss this chance to come hang out and watch us make fools of ourselves. Stay tuned for more information regarding tour and the new album. Until then, check out this video of Derek Zanetti doin' his thang:

Shot Glass Heads

2012-01-28T08:20:00.000-08:00

I've got some new shot glasses available on my Etsy. If you're interested, check 'em out there or get a hold of me through my email.

Harley Poe Video (Everybody Knows My Name)

2012-01-22T12:42:00.001-08:00

This spring, Chain Smoking Records will be releasing seven new Harley Poe songs...on VINYL!! Along with these seven new ones we've included four favorites from In the Dark and Wretched. Filthy. Ugly. We are very proud of these recordings and are beyond excited to have our songs released on an actual record!! Here is a video I made two nights ago with Wesley and Gregg for our stripped down acoustic version of "Everybody Knows My Name." We hope you enjoy it.
Go to chainsmokingrecords.com to pre-order the new record. Last I heard, the first hundred orders get a colored vinyl. Thanks!

Winter

2012-01-18T15:41:00.001-08:00

So far it has been a LONG winter, and the boys and I are suffering from cabin fever, so we've decided to document ourselves going crazy by way of home movies. It helps pass the time, and boy are these kids cute.

Harley Poe Show

2011-12-31T08:47:00.000-08:00

So I guess Harley Poe has a show this next Friday at the Melody Inn. We're also playing there late February, so I thought this one had been cancelled. No biggie, we love that bar. Come see us if you have nothing to do. We're playing with the DeadFrets and one of the members of Slothpop. The show will probably start around 9 or 10, but we won't go on until about Midnight. Be there.

My Last Snowman

2011-12-22T13:22:00.000-08:00

Here is my third and final snowman for the year 2011. This cute little pervert has candy canes for teeth and a carrot prick. He was fun to create, and I can't wait to come up with more for next year.

So far, this has been a very exciting Christmas season for me for several reasons: My family and I are living in my Grandparents' home where I've spent many wonderful Christmas Eves as a child, and my boy Ransom is three years old and overwhelmed with excitement due to the sporadic snowfall, blinking lights, and presents under the tree. To top it off, It's been a creative month for me. I've had time to sculpt three mutant snowmen and a Krampus, and the day after Christmas I go back to Fort Wayne to hear the final mix of Harley Poe's new record Satan Sex and No Regrets. I've also had a chance to get some painting in, because my nephews have asked for some shoes with skeleton feet like the ones I made Ransom for Halloween. So I've finished these just in time for the boys to open on Christmas morning. I hope they don't read my blog.

Herschell Goes to Heaven (New Harley Poe Song)

2011-12-13T14:49:00.000-08:00

I had written and illustrated this story years ago and have been trying to get it published in the form of a baby book ever since, but it just wasn't meant to be. Rue Morgue magazine published a piece on me back in issue #54 and featured a few of its pages alongside the article, and I self published and pressed 200 black and white versions about two years ago. Still, I don't feel many people have seen it, and at the time I finished it I was very proud, so it's a bit disappointing. I guess it's okay that it never got picked up by a publishing company. It's my first attempt at an illustrated story in the form of a children's book. I'll do a better job and write a longer story next time. I've put music to the poem and recorded it in the studio of my buddy and band mate Gregg Manfredi. So here you go. Please enjoy.

Secuestrados (Kidnapped)

2011-12-11T20:50:00.001-08:00

I had read about this film in Fangoria magazine a few issues back. The article had good things to say about it, and being a fan of home invasion movies like Funny Games (1997), Ils (2006), and The Strangers (2008) I was excited to give it a go, so I saved it in my Netflix queue and then forgot about it. Well it arrived a few days ago, but I had been putting off viewing it due to my weird quirk of only watching Christmas movies during the month of December. But I also didn't want to send it back without seeing it and it was holding up the line, so after my girlfriend/wife went to bed I popped it in the DVD player.

A little over an hour later I must tell the world about it, or at least those who visit my blog. I still can't get the final scene out of my head. WOW! If you're a fan of the genre, then this one is a must-see! But if you don't like those hard to watch, stressful and unsettling horror films in which the good guys seldom win, then by all means keep far away from it. The actors are convincing, the camera work--especially the use of split screen--is outstanding, and the victims' actions during the more upsetting scenes are more than believable. This movie shows no mercy, and maybe I'm just an optimistic child, but towards its end, I almost believed that everything was going to be okay...then came that final scene.

Movies like Secuestrados make me want to take extreme measures when it comes to securing my home and protecting my family. And now I get to go to bed, if I can stop thinking about how disturbing it was.

Mutant Snowman #2

2011-12-11T15:31:00.001-08:00

I now have two mutant snowmen. I hope to get one more made before Christmas. Email me if you'd like an original and I'll give you a price.

Holiday Horror

2011-12-05T10:51:00.001-08:00

WhenI created this blog a couple years ago, my first post was a list of Christmashorror films that I had compiled for the publisher of a magazine I really enjoyreading. I was very concerned withsharing my list with anybody who might be interested, because I love holidayhorror movies, and like every other misguided and overly opinionated schmuckwho thinks he has something to offer the world via blog, grammaticallyincorrect posts on Amazon.com, or incredibly lame review videos on YouTube, I toobelieved I had new insight to offer about these films. In time I’ve come to my senses and realize Ihave nothing to add that hasn’t already been hashed out to death by thesesocially retarded fan boys. Still, itfills a little void, and I happily accept that I am no critic (nor am I a verygood writer for that matter). The moviesI review on this blog are movies I love. If I don’t like a film, I just ignore it. I’d much rather spend my time raving aboutthe things I enjoy than wasting my time ripping apart the things I can’t stand;I’ll leave that to the real asshole critics.

Alright,glad I got that out. Moving on, I’d liketo recommend three more of my favorite Xmas horror films for the holiday season, and here they are in no particular order. Enjoy.

Soft for Digging(2001)

J.T. Petty’s simple yet effective little ghost story is an intriguingwatch with almost no dialogue and few characters. An old hermit witnesses the murder of alittle girl in the forest that surrounds his home, but after a community searchfor the missing body with no results and a few otiose trips to the supposedscene of the crime, the authorities begin to think the witness is just a senileold kook. This eventually leads to theold man taking it upon himself to solve the crime and, well, things aren’t whatthey seem. The story is really nothingnew, but the execution is brilliant. Even my wife who had just worked a thirteen hour shift stuck arounduntil the end. It’s impressive how onecan create a film in which the mundane life of an old man, accompanied by bitsof piano sprinkled in between the ambience of the woods and inside the man’scabin, can keep a viewer’s attention; and this director, with his first film,had no problem pulling it off. So sitdown with some eggnog and a pair of comfy long johns and enjoy.

Mum & Dad (2008)

A sexually deranged family of thieves, led by the sadistic husband andwife team simply known as Mum and Dad, work together to kidnap, adopt, andoften rape, torture, and murder young people who could potentially benefit theorder of things for this fucked-up group of said villains. In an age when any and all forms of depravityare permissible in the world of horror, it’s hard to judge just how sick thismovie really is. There are thousandslike it, but only few in which the actors capture the essence of such evil and disgusting characters as Mum and Dad. These puppies are sick and easy to hate. I for one needed the good guys to win this time around. Check it out. It’s not really a Christmas movie, but for the last half hour of thefilm, the family decides to celebrate the season (whether it’s Xmas time ornot) with stolen presents, family awkwardness, and good ol’ fashion holidaymurder.

Santa Claws (1996)

Yay for Debbie Rochon! Yay forboobies! But other than these two wonderfulgifts to mankind, there’s not much else going for this John Russo cheapie. It’s nice to see the team responsible for the original Night of the Living Dead together again,and I can hang with the idea of trying to combine 1980’s old school slasherfilm with 1960’s nudie cutie, but sheesh! What a pile of turd! What a stench of vomit! What an awesome experience!!! There is so much to love about this movie. You get the discrepancies in continuity,dubbing, and any other technical issues that go into movie making, and you geta plot that goes a bit like this: Childhood trauma causes psychotic, retarded neighbor in love with Rochon’scharacter to dress up as Santa Claws and go on a killing spree. Children get drugged, associates get naked and die, loser husband solvesthe mystery, and scream queen kills the bad guy. Who watches this shit?

Mutant Snowman

2011-12-03T13:37:00.001-08:00

My buddy recently sculpted a set of little snowmen in the image of his family. I was impressed by what he came up with, and already planning to sculpt several Christmas monsters myself, decided to sculpt my own snowman. I had sculpted one last year to accompany my Abominable Snowman piece, but I was never very happy with him. I like this one much more, but he's still not what I someday hope to capture. The idea came from Bill Watterson's Calvin and Hobbes comics.

The Return of Krampus

2011-12-02T08:00:00.001-08:00

Here is my new Krampus sculpture just in time for Christmas. If you'd like an original Krampus for your Holiday decorations, just get a hold of me for a price, or check out my etsy store: etsy.com/shop/joewhiteford. Thanks! And Happy Holidays!

It's Christmas Time Again.

2011-11-30T20:58:00.001-08:00

Back in 2006, Standard Recording Company released a Christmas compilation featuring bands from the label and a few other Indianapolis artists who weren't part of the roster. Around that time Harley Poe had a new split album in the works with Seattle's Dead Vampires (also released by Standard). While we were in the studio we had some extra time to record our own Christmas song for the comp. As a gift to the Harley Poe fans who visit my blog every now and again I present to you our contribution to Standard Recording Company's first Christmas compilation. The CD also features songs from The Reverend Peyton's Big Damn Band, Everything, Now!, Chad Serhal (She Does Is Magic), and a few other great Indiana bands that have since gone missing. Last I checked it was still in print and can be ordered through amazon.com. Enjoy, and if you like what you hear, then order a copy for Christmas.

Spooky Chess Set

2011-11-10T07:53:00.001-08:00

I began sculpting this set months ago, but I've just now been able to finish it due to moving into a new home and dealing with a rambunctious one year old son...I guess my three year old hasn't made it easy either. I'm glad I can move onto other things such as working on my ABC book and creating some more Krampus figures for the holiday season. If I see that enough people are interested in this set I'll start making molds to sell for cheaper prices. Otherwise, if anyone has an interest in this set, then feel free to contact me via email. I like these pieces more than my last ones. Anyone up for a game of chess followed by drinks and a movie?

Happy Halloween

2011-10-11T10:09:00.000-07:00

Everyday my oldest son makes us listen to "This is Halloween" from The Nightmare Before Christmas soundtrack. Not that I'm complaining; that song never gets old. It's awesome that he's just as excited about the holiday as I am. This year I've been making my own decorations. Check 'em out, please. I'm selling custom made tiny jack-o-lanterns at my Etsy store, but if anyone is interested in a doll like the one above, contact me via email for a price.

Finished Zombie Cornhole Set

2011-09-13T15:04:00.000-07:00

Very happy with these.

New Harley Poe Shirts

2011-09-11T11:45:00.000-07:00

Here is the new band shirt. Get it at our upcoming Halloween Shows or get a hold of me via email. We also have a few of the old ones left. Bitches!

New Zombie Heads

2011-09-06T18:04:00.000-07:00

Here is the first head for a cornhole set I'm painting for a potential buyer. I might still have a little work to do on him. I'm getting quicker and improving in detail, I think.

Finished Zombie Heads.

2011-08-23T12:30:00.000-07:00

Interested in a set? Contact me through joecalibretto@hotmail.com for prices.

Zombie Corn Holes!!!

2011-08-19T14:21:00.000-07:00

My little guy helping me paint zombie heads in my shop.

My sister and brother-in-law are throwing our annual Halloween party this year and we're planning to go all out. Most of our friends have children now, so we're trying to come up with fun games for the little devils to play. But we also plan to have games for the adults as well, and since my family has been obsessed with playing Tailgate Toss all summer, my brother-in-law decided to build a set of corn hole boards and I'm attempting to paint zombie heads on them. This year is going to be a blast; I bet you wish you were invited...bitches!

Drinks on me!

2011-08-11T17:28:00.000-07:00

So my boys and I are extremely excited about the new shot glasses I've been sculpting.

Monster Porn

2011-08-03T21:37:00.000-07:00

Lately I’ve had a growing interest in the low brow art of Ed Roth and those who had worked for him and/or have been influenced by his vision. Within the last year I’ve purchased several books relating to that whole Polynesian/hotrod/1960s monster art scene just to learn more about some of the artists and styles that are out there. Here are a few of the books that I’ve read on Big Daddy and his collaborators:

My interest in this primarily West Coast subculture initially stemmed from having a Rat Fink action figure when I was a kid. At one point I also remember collecting a card series released by Topps which featured monsters drawn in the style of Rat Fink and his friends. I didn’t know anything about these hotrod riding and surfing monsters except that they were gross and looked freaking cool with their popping eyes, warts, and giant yaps flung open , but since reading about their history and of those responsible for their birth, I’ve become a little more knowledgeable of this renegade world of tiki gods and pin striping and have developed my own style of illustrating Rat Fink-influenced monsters.

Rat Fink and his friends represent rebellion, speed, and punk rock. These monsters are the middle finger to whatever is accepted as mainstream, normal, or proper, whether it’s in art, lifestyle, or spirituality. This stuff is right up my alley. The only problem is that I’m not really a car guy. In this world monsters and cars go hand-in-hand, but honestly, I couldn’t care less about noisy, air polluting, resource-guzzling machines. My car serves one purpose, but I’d still rather use my bicycle to get where I’m going.

Big Daddy is probably rolling in his grave. I’ve rebelled against the rebellious. I’ve taken the hotrod out of the picture but left the monster. To a gearhead there’s nothing more appealing than a work of art featuring a metallic beast driven by a greasy, slobbering monster; but to a pervert there’s nothing more appealing than a sexy vixen being driven by a greasy, throbbing monster. Here are two of my own monsters created in the image of R.F. and his buddies. Don't care too much for cars, but I find the female body very appealing. I have no shame, but I’ve still managed to censor myself for those who aren't expecting. I’ve had postcards printed of the following illustrations for those of you who are interested. Contact me at joecalibretto@hotmail.com if you’d like a set.

Idiot Gore

2011-07-31T20:42:00.000-07:00

This is the teaser for Joshua Hull's second feature. Gregg Manfredi and I did the music. The lyrics were written by Joshua. Really looking forward to being a part of this project.

And this is the trailer for Joshua's first film. If you ever get a chance to see it, check it out! Harley Poe's "It's Only the End of the World" plays for the title sequence and the end credits.

Chip

2011-07-04T10:26:00.000-07:00

This is the introduction of a comic I illustrated for Craig Carmichael sometime last year. Most people know him as Chip. He's a good writer with a bit of a dark streak, and it was a pleasure illustrating the few pages I did for him. Find him on Facebook and order his books.

2011-07-04T10:20:00.000-07:00

2011-07-04T09:57:00.000-07:00

Calabrese and Harley Poe Show!

2011-05-18T08:09:00.000-07:00

I'm a little nervous about this show, because it's the first one with our new bass player and only the second with our new guitarist. I hope we don't disappoint. I'm very excited to play with Calabrese though. They are featured on Rue Morgue's second Hymns compilation. We were on the first. Be there.

Do you like scary movies? Well I do; I absolutely love them.

2011-05-08T08:54:00.001-07:00

So I went and saw Scream 4 a few days ago. I went to the 2:05 showing, and other than an older man and woman, whom I suspect weren’t functioning with full decks, I was the only one in the theater. This had to be one of the most enjoyable experiences I've had at the movies. I absolutely loved the film! It was definitely the second best of the series, and the countless times I heard “Oh shit!” coming from the couple behind me was an indication they too were having a good time.

It seems to me that before Scream (1996) was released in theaters, the slasher film was almost nonexistent in the 90s. Mainstream horror itself, with but few exceptions, was faring poorly throughout the decade. Scream helped revitalize the genre, simple as that. The film helped open the gates to the horror revival fans have enjoyed within this last decade and introduced a new antihero known as Ghostface.

I remember going to see it after church when it had first come out back in 1996. During those days I was very involved with Christian activities and wasn’t paying too much attention to the genre I once held so dear to my heart. Scream was a sort of catalyst for returning to the dark side. The last showing of the night was I think around ten o’clock and my mother had adamantly expressed her disapproval of me going to watch such a violent film right after church. I think I was going on eighteen and remember stating that I was old enough to make my own decisions, so she didn’t push the issue too hard, except to let me know that she had called dad and he wanted me home by midnight.

Though I was pressed for time, a few friends from youth group and I went to witness the rebirth of the whodunit slasher film. Being a late showing, and due to the film having been in theaters for a couple weeks already, there were only a few other people in the theater. The experience was incredible. I remember how stressed I was about making it home before midnight, but that didn’t keep me from having a great time. It was such a thrill to hear my friends scream like children, and the image of Drew Barrymore’s character getting butchered at the beginning of the film will forever be ingrained in my psyche.

It had been a long time since I’d seen a film so violent and creative. At that time, before the horror boom of the 2000s, I hadn’t seen any of the original Texas Chainsaw Massacres (1974-1994), and I had only viewed a few of the original Halloween (1978-1995) and Friday the 13th (1980-1993) films. I had never seen Hell Night (1981) starring Linda Blair and featuring the surprise killer, so Scream was an experience that was wholly new to me. It was a horror film that called out the clichés of the genre and glorified them, even though Rofle Kanefsky's little known gem There’s Nothing Out There (1992) had done it four years earlier. After the movie was over I left the theater, got in my car (after checking the backseat), and made it home by 12:05 am. My parents weren’t waiting up. That night was a defining moment in my pathetic little life.

So over a decade later it’s good to see the return of a franchise that spawned so many imitations and parodies. At the turn of the century teenage slasher films were popping up every other month, and I made sure to make it to the theater for both Scream sequels (1997 good, 2000 bad), I Know What You Did Last Summer (1997) and its sequel I Still Know What You Did Last Summer (1998), Urban Legend (1998), Disturbing Behavior (1998), The Faculty (1998), Halloween H20 (1998), and many others created in the wake of a classic. And when Scream 5 comes around, I’ll be sure to see it in the theater as well. Amen.

The Vampire and the Haunted Trees

2011-04-30T09:11:00.000-07:00

I'm not too interested in Easter, except for the fact I get to spoil my boys with chocolate eggs and other gifts, and I do like the idea of celebrating fertility and the beginning of new things to come. Other than those reasons, it's not a holiday I generally get excited about. But I do love Halloween! Just take a look!

By the way, my house is now on the market. 1616 Kingston Rd, Kokomo, IN, 46901. Please buy it. And now that April is just about over, the song of the month is "We Gotta Get Out Of This Place" performed by the Animals. Seriously, it needs to stop raining. Tomorrow is May 1st; time for sun, cocktails, and swimming. It's been a long fuckin' winter.

I realize this post is very random with no point.

The Breeder

2011-04-25T10:43:00.001-07:00

It’s near the end of spring. At 6:00 AM, outside a remote trailer park just off an old country road, an explosion is heard by the denizens. Further investigation reveals a huge crater, but no sign of a meteorite or anything else for that matter—just footprints starting at the center of the hole, heading toward the park. The prints are simply oval shaped, indicating no heels or toes, but a jelly-like substance is left in each one. This is just the beginning of a twenty-four hour stretch of terror for the occupants living in these trailers, for in one of the homes hides a beast cruel, unusual, and extremely horny.

Whether a beast from Hell, or a creature from outer space, the Breeder has one purpose.
It has come here to mate, and if its phallus can't accomplish that goal, then its fingers will.
SEE Earth girls ravished! WITNESS the men they love torn to pieces! WATCH as the Breeder achieves his goal of creating hideousness!!

Run, Earth girls, run!!!

Important Person

2011-04-17T07:20:00.001-07:00

18"x24" charcoal portrait took about 3 1/2 hours in the comfort of my living room while the boob tube blasted with nonsense and my wife lay suffering from TMJ on the couch.Matt Bunn ladies and gentlemen, Matt Bunn. This dude came by last night about 10pm. We began about 10:30 and finished a little after 2am. I feel this is my most accomplished portrait, maybe due to rendering this already handsome man into a beautiful, Americanized Jesus. You're welcome Matty, but enough about the portrait. Let's explore Bunn the person. When I first met this guy I had no intentions of becoming his friend, but the asshole invited me out for a drink on my birthday and we've been buds ever since. I've known him for almost a decade now, but I'm not sure how well I really know him. Carefully selected adjectives come to mind when I think of him, though many contradict each other: atheistic, hedonistic, inconsiderate, selfish, cheap, perverted, instigative, sincere, thoughtful, kind, moral, intelligent, good-natured, faithful, affable. He loves the Beatles, Captain America, baseball, and pizza. Bunn is a predictable All-American, clean cut kid, and at the same time a total anomaly; a veritable walking contradiction. He's simple, yet so hard to read. But the one thing you can count on with this man is his dedication to his friends. It's hard to find a crony as self-sacrificing as Bunn. You need a wing man? A security blanket? A bowling mate? Matt Bunn will find a way.

Another Shrunken Head (Okay, I'm done.)

2011-03-25T07:49:00.000-07:00

Shrunken Head

2011-03-19T14:36:00.001-07:00

Harley Poe Show

2011-03-16T12:44:00.000-07:00

It seems right at the end of October every year, Harley Poe goes on hiatus until after the following spring. Well, it's the following spring and it's time to start working on a new album and play more shows. Also, I'm going to start creating posters for each show we do this year. Not sure why I never did that before. Illustrating band posters is a perfect reason to draw monsters, while promoting my band and my art. Too often I ask myself, "Why was I not doing that from the beginning?" In the past, I've claimed I was too busy, even though I had nothing to do, never got much done, and had a lot of time on my hands. Now that I'm getting older and have children, I have even less time, but I am more productive than I've ever been as far as making art, getting involved with creative projects, and pushing my ideas to fruition. I've wasted so much time.

Song of the month: "Mustache Man (Wasted)" by Cake from their new album Showroom of Compassion.

2011-03-01T07:19:00.000-08:00

Hey all, Harley Poe was on this compilation last year, and was given lots of exposure through it. It has been nominated for a Rondo Award. Please give it your vote; it's easy to do and takes only a minute.

http://www.rondoaward.com/rondo/rondos.html to vote in "Category 22 - Best Soundtrack or Horror CD."

Mummified Mutant

2011-02-24T05:32:00.001-08:00

To purchase or view more photos go to www.etsy.com/shop/joewhiteford

Happy Valentine's Day!

2011-02-18T08:47:00.001-08:00

Okay, I'm late, I know. And I don't even have the review I promised in my last post. But I did watch one of my favorite 80's horror/comedies on the 14th; a quirky low budget blood fest called Psychos in Love (1986) directed by Gorman Bechard. Check it out! It's a cheesy love story with enough blood, boobs, and silly dialogue that any of its many faults will easily be overlooked. The lead actress is unbelievably cute and the stupid theme song will have you humming the tune for days after viewing this treasure. Speaking of which, the song of the month has to be "Psychos in Love" from the film. I'll be listening to it all month trying to figure it out. I plan to cover it on Harley Poe's upcoming album.

Anyway, the reason I'm posting is because I've finally finished my chess set. Check out these photos. If you're interested in purchasing your own custom made chess set, then check out my etsy store at http://www.etsy.com/shop/joewhiteford

I don't know why this photo came up sideways, and I'm too stupid to change it.

Chess Club!!!

2011-02-13T08:13:00.000-08:00

I've been sculpting a chess set. I'm going to create the board today, and later this week I'll begin on the other pieces. Here are my first finished figures. I'm very excited about this project, because I love chess and I love sculpting creepy little things. I can't wait to do more. So many creature ideas are coming to mind for each side. I'll have this piece for sale at my Etsy shop when it is finished. Stay tuned for a Valentine movie review and the song of the month. Thanks for caring.

For those who are wondering:

2011-02-05T07:46:00.000-08:00

I still get email about my days playing in Calibretto (13). Fans of the Christian band I started back when I was a teenager will write me every few weeks inquiring about my beliefs. Many of them just want to know “What happened to you?” I just received this email the other day and thought some very good questions were asked. I was granted the writer’s permission to publish it on my blog and am hoping it will shed some light for anyone else who may care:

Do I call you Pappy or Mr. Whiteford or what?

I'm not sure how to introduce myself, and I might ramble a bit, but there is a question (5 questions) here if you're patient - I realize email isn't exactly a patient sort of medium. Calibretto 13 was one of my favorite bands. Remember how you used to say "punk is dead?" I never believed you, because C13 existed - but then when you guys broke up I felt like that was the final nail in the coffin so to speak. That probably sounds ridiculous and musically naive, but my thinking was C13 was the last really counter culture thing going, and that's what punk was about. Most punk now days is indistinguishable from pop - it's been absorbed. Whereas you guys were, to my mind, more like prophets - calling the church out on all it's shortcomings - spurring Christians on to act like Christ. Who else is doing that? But, that's all really neither here nor there, just what I was thinking all those years ago. I drove from Omaha to KC to see your last tour, and I wanted to talk to you then, but I didn't see you hanging around after the show.

So, then, I followed your post Calibretto career kind of at a distance. I check your myspace a couple times a year. I had a few long conversations with friends about you (which is probably odd to hear). I debated writing you - I wondered how much a Christian artist owes an audience, as far as explanation, even after they've moved on or "outgrown Christianity" (to quote your blog). They assured me that an artist never owes anyone anything, that never sat quite right with me, but I hesitated to write and ask your opinion on it.

I dug back into the Calibretto records, listened more intently for lyrical themes. The sex, God, monsters, gore, was always lingering from the beginning. So, it seems that with Harley Poe not much had changed. But, on the other hand - obviously there's been a change right? I mean "stick it in the man" is just as anthemic as "Fall away" but - well you wrote them, I don't need to spell out how the perception of the two is different do I?

Right - so why am I writing this? Like I said, I've kept pace with you - scouring google for interviews, but I've never come across any sort of definitive statement from you about your art, your philosophy so to speak. I tried to do a study on the compatibility between Christian thought and horror and gore - but I don't hold the passion for the latter that you obviously do, so I never came up with anything. Maybe Flannery O Connor would have something to say on the subject? I didn't want to assume that just because you swore or used horrific imagery that you quit loving Jesus - and I still don't. So, finally I came across your blog this evening. And clear back in April you wrote about your new album, but you included a bit of biography. It was the closest I've seen to what I've been looking for - and you (perhaps foolishly if you've seen many emails like this one) invited questions at the end. One brave soul commented on your blog mentioning Calibretto and faith, and you seemed open to it, mentioned possibly blogging about it in the future, so I took up the keyboard and composed this email - to satisfy my own curiosity I guess.

So here's a short list of questions -

--Do you find Christianity and horror compatible in any way?

MY ANSWER: First of all, my fondest memories come from watching horror films as a child. I grew up with a love for monsters and staying up late watching movies that scared the shit out of me. Maybe I’m just holding on to my childhood, or maybe I just have some innate love for weird and dark entertainment. This could also help explain why I’ve always been such a horny little bastard. Sex, drugs, rock ‘n’ roll, horror films; they go together. So, maybe in this sense, Christianity and horror business are not compatible. According to Christian belief, God will have nothing to do with what the horror genre stands for. Most horror films are loaded with deviant content such as sexual perversion, murder, rape, and supernatural entities other than the Christian God. These elements appeal to the nature of the flesh, our true carnal nature. These elements from a fictional standpoint appeal to me. When I became a Christian I dismissed my love for the horror genre, because I felt it wasn’t compatible with my then new belief system.

Looking at it another way, horror is a study of humanity’s fear of death and the unknown. It can be cathartic, just like Christianity, or any religion for that matter. Religion is a way for mankind to deal with the fear and inevitability of death. That’s ultimately what horror is; the fear of being killed. Whether it’s because of a cheesy monster, zombies, or a random stranger, the fear comes from the protagonist losing his/her life. Everyone is afraid of dying. Christianity is an answer to that fear, whether it’s true or not.

I’m not sure if I’m doing a good job conveying what I’m thinking, other than I do think they are compatible only because Christianity and horror both deal with mankind’s fear of death and the unknown. Religion makes people feel good about their mortality, whereas the genre of horror just makes one aware of his/her mortality.

--In your explanation of "Stick it in the man" you mention being in God's will. Can you expand on what you mean by that, and what that looks like in your life now? Has that phrase changed meaning for you from your time with Calibretto?

MY ANSWER: That phrase definitely has a different meaning now than it did when I was a Christian writing songs for Calibretto (13). To be in God’s will to me was to believe Jesus was his son and that he died for our sins, and the Christian bible was God’s rule book. I no longer lean toward those beliefs; however, I do believe I’m continuing on the path meant for me, whether it’s wrong or right depending on decisions I make that may or may not bring fulfillment and a clean conscience. I would not be where I am now if not for my beliefs in the past. I pray to the Creator. I don’t pretend to know His character. I can’t believe through faith alone that the answer is as simple as Christianity. God might be more complex than Christianity.

--Do you see your musical career and your other art as well, as being on the same trajectory? I mentioned themes earlier - do you see common themes across all your work - is any of that intentional? Or, do you see Harley Poe as a complete departure from everything in the past (and yes, I realize that Harley Poe isn't exactly "new" either - I just haven't ever seen you answer this question in public)

MY ANSWER: There is no departure, no falling away or turning around. My art and music, whether it’s Calibretto or Harley Poe are all part of the same path. They all come from this heart and this mind. Ideas and beliefs may become altered throughout the course of my life, depending on my focus and the circumstances I’m forced to deal with throughout, but it is all growth. That’s why I mentioned outgrowing Christianity. New ideas and experiences lead me to new places. The more I experience and attempt to understand—the more I step out of myself—the more difficult it becomes to hold onto the same beliefs. It’s kind of like opening Pandora’s Box; I’d rather know for sure about something than just leave it alone, even if it destroys my former beliefs, even if it takes away my peace. I’ve left the four walls of Christianity, but I continue the same path that I’ve always been on; the path for which I am destined.
Again, I’m probably not making sense.

--If you do see your art as linear - where do you see it going from here - if not, disregard.

MY ANSWER: We shall see. I am very anxious.

--Last one - You had so much to say to Christians when you were a Christian, would you have anything to say to them now? Particularly those who were fans but are confused or alarmed by your current work.

MY ANSWER: It bothers me knowing that I’ve let down many fans. My intentions were never to disappoint or confuse anyone. I had a strong desire in what I believed. I had something to say (because I always have something to bitch about), and the best way to vent was through my music. My desire was to preach the Gospel and God’s message through my music because that’s where I was at that time in my life. I’m not a hypocrite. When my feelings changed, I left the scene. I didn’t feel right about playing those songs; I wasn’t sure I believed that message. I can’t stop playing music, because it’s just in me. I’ll probably never stop, no matter what beliefs I adhere to. Believe what you want to believe. If what you believe is true, then it really doesn’t matter what I’ve done or am doing. I don’t apologize for challenging myself and changing my mind. I don’t apologize for causing others to challenge their beliefs. I’m glad my actions have stirred things up with those who are listening. Follow your own heart. Seek the truth and don’t put your faith in me. Test everything. Don’t be a bigot. Open your mind.

Another Demon Sculpture

2011-02-01T15:36:00.000-08:00

www.etsy.com/shop/joewhiteford

Ghoul in a Cat Suit

2011-01-26T05:27:00.001-08:00

www.etsy.com/shop/joewhiteford

Monster in a Bear Suit

2011-01-21T09:22:00.000-08:00

www.etsy.com/shop/joewhiteford

Old Fat Devil

2011-01-19T08:08:00.001-08:00

www.etsy.com/shop/joewhiteford

New Bird Creature

2011-01-15T14:43:00.000-08:00

Here's a new monstrosity I just posted on www.etsy.com/shop/joewhiteford.

Greeting Cards

2011-01-14T18:27:00.000-08:00

I have Valentine's Day greeting cards at my Esty shop if anybody out there is looking for something a little different for his/her special someone. Order them now at www.etsy.com/shop/joewhiteford so you can get them before Valentine's Day.

My Heart Belongs to You.
I Burn for You.

New Year's Resolutions

2011-01-09T07:16:00.000-08:00

"This is my year." I've heard that said from quite a few people lately. Is everybody feeling this way? I'm obviously not the only one who senses there are good things ahead. I threw a New Year's Eve party, and at about four o'clock in the morning on New Year's Day, just when everybody was leaving, sewage began to seep up through the drainpipe in my basement. It covered the concrete floor and stunk up the house. I was up all night sucking up contaminated water through my buddy's shop vacuum until the sun rose and my dad showed up with a pump. I began the year 2011 in piss and shit, tired, stressed over finances, smelly, and depressed. But when you start the year under the ground, standing in your own feces, the only place left to go is up. Yeah, 2011 is my year.

A buddy of mine once told me that making New Year's resolutions is just setting oneself up for disappointment. I disagree. Beginning every year with new goals and dreams keeps me going. It gives me something to look forward to; something to keep things interesting. This year I've made several resolutions and I plan to execute every last one.

One of my resolutions is to go crazy with my new found love of sculpting. I'm getting to the point where I'm finally contributing financially through my art, and I plan to sculpt a shit load of monstrosities as well as finish my story book. Meanwhile, I have some other projects lined up with some creative people. Harley Poe will be releasing a 7" vinyl this year with a full color version of my Herschell story, and we're also recording new songs for some movie soundtracks. Who knows, maybe we'll finish the year with a new ep. But more than these resolutions I promise to keep loving my family more than I ever have and to keep their happiness, hopes, and future top priority in my life. I also plan to become more active and healthier in body and in mind. It's going to be a good year.

Here is my Abominable Snowman with another finished piece called "The Disagreement."

I began this month standing in piss and shit. January's song is "A Hazy Shade of Winter" from Simon & Garfunkel's Bookends album.
"Hang on to your hopes, my friend.
That's an easy thing to say,
But if your hopes should pass away
Simply pretend that you can build them again.
Look around,
The grass is high,
The fields are ripe,
It's the springtime of my life."
-Paul Simon

Last Krampus of the Year

2010-12-29T12:30:00.003-08:00

Here are three of the Krampus sculptures I created this December. The latest (and cutest) figure was sculpted on Christmas, while my boys and I lay around all day in our pajamas watching Christmas cartoons. The prices on my custom made sculptures are between $80 to $120, so if you're interested, then shoot me an email.

This Krampus was commissioned as a Christmas gift from a buyer in Indianapolis.

I bear gifts.

2010-12-17T20:55:00.000-08:00

Father Christmas is evil. Satan has a son and his name is Santa...at least according to a cheesy little Christmas flick I like to watch once or twice a year called Santa's Slay (2005). This masterpiece pretends to be one of those made for TV Christmas specials the whole family can watch together if you disregard the nudity, foul language, and explicit violence. There's even a stop-motion animated segment reminiscent of one of my childhood favorites from 1964 Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer. This film is a blast! Santa is played by Bill Goldberg, the jokes are so juvenile (as if written for a younger audience), and the protagonist (Douglas Smith) and his girlfriend (Emilie de Ravin) have such a naive vibe to them that the elements awarding this film an R rating cause great contrast and a bit of welcomed confusion, at least for me. The film also includes some unexpected cameos who mostly get massacred within the first five minutes. Pop this one in on Christmas Eve; your nephews and nieces will love it and so will your grandparents.

Also, here is another Krampus I sculpted for your viewing pleasure. Rue Morgue magazine's Christmas issue is out now with an article on this devil for those who'd like to know more.

Oh, and if you're looking for any last minute gifts for the horror junkie in your family, then consider my 1950's monster buttons I'm selling through my Etsy shop at www.etsy.com/shop/joewhiteford.

And one last thing, the song of the month is "364 Days" by the Murder City Devils from the Thelema ep, for those who prefer to be depressed on Christmas.

That's all. Merry Krampus.

Gruss Vom Krampus

2010-12-05T05:26:00.000-08:00

I hope you've all been nice this year.

Important Person

2010-11-27T08:44:00.001-08:00

18"x24" charcoal portrait took about three hours over 1960s lounge and too many beers in a dirty basement.My good friend Dustin McLochlin is in town, and last night he came by to let me draw his portrait. After awhile, our good pal Bunn showed up and we had a nice time relaxing and talking nonsense. Though I don't feel I did justice to Dustin's face, I'm glad he allowed me to scrutinize his features and attempt to capture his likeness. I find myself missing this guy often, and I treasure the few moments a year we're able to go out, have some drinks, and depress each other. Having stated that, I truly enjoy this man's company.

Watching You 1 & 2

2010-11-25T06:12:00.000-08:00

My family and I are watching the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. We were supposed to go to Ohio and have dinner with Erin's grandparents, but she worked yesterday and also has to work tomorrow. Things would be too hectic if we had to drive all morning, eat, then drive all evening, especially with little boys. It's nice to get up and not worry about a stressful holiday. I just want to relax this morning with my three favorite people, go eat a big dinner ten minutes away, and come back home to relax some more.

By the way, here are a couple charcoal drawings of some creatures I found in the junkyard about a month ago. I went with my drawing class to take pictures and got lost in my imagination. I'd like to go back; I could spend all day there. Happy Thanksgiving, you greedy bitches. I hope you all eat until you explode.14"x17" for sale
14"x17" for sale

Bella

2010-11-21T09:55:00.001-08:00

18"x24" CharcoalMy good friend's daughter Bella sat for me last night. I drew her while she and some friends watched Get Him to the Greek. Funny movie.

Important Person

2010-11-20T14:48:00.001-08:00

18"x24" Charcoal portrait took about four hours with breaks to enjoy a bottle of Johnny Walker and Alissa's wonderful cooking.

I've known Jeremy Cotton longer than I've known his cute little sister (and I've been married to her for over ten years), and sharing a friendship with him has been quite a pleasure. It's nice to know that over the last two decades, even with him moving from state to state, we've been able to keep our relationship growing. I'm glad to see him back in Indiana. Even though I wish we had more time to spend together, it's always easy for us to pick up where we leave off. Now that I have two boys and he has a baby girl, I'm excited to see how this new chapter of our lives unfolds.

Updates

2010-11-17T15:30:00.000-08:00

I've created some new monsters. I'm trying to sculpt two a week, but I find it hard to finish any projects other than homework lately. It seems I'm balancing most of my time between school and my family, but as much technique as I've been learning in my art classes, I still wish I could find more time to do my own projects. I'm not complaining; things are working the way they should. This month I hope to find time to sculpt at least one bird creature, and in December I hope to do two or three monsters that look a bit like the Krampus, just to keep with the Holidays. After that, I'll get back to posting about my favorite movies. Take a look at my family of monstrosities:

Also, we're now attempting portraits in the drawing class I'm attending and I'd like to share my subject. We had to pick someone in the class to draw and Daniel was the perfect model. I didn't spend as much time on his portrait as I'd like, but I knew he was getting tired and I was ready to go home. I plan to do a whole series of portraits of loved ones, friends, and influences, so if you fit the criteria be expecting a text. I've got some ideas brewing and can't wait to start capturing these important people with charcoal. I'll post them as I draw them. I plan to make two of my friends suffer for my art this weekend, but until then check out my first go at it:Be kind, I'll get better. I just need a more comfortable setting and a glass of scotch.

Melody Inn Halloween Photos

2010-11-08T07:26:00.000-08:00

Here are some photos taken by Scott Proctor at the Beverly Lane wrap-up party. I did Gregg's and my make-up.

Harley Poe Music Video

2010-11-07T18:18:00.000-08:00

Halloween #1

2010-11-07T17:29:00.000-08:00

My computer has been sick since Halloween, so I haven't been able to post any pics from Ransom's first Trick 'r Treating or Harley Poe's three Halloween shows. For the next few posts I'll be showing off pictures from the shows, Harley Poe's first music video, and some more monstrosities that I sculpted over the weekend. For now, here's a picture of my family's first Halloween with Salem and a new charcoal drawing from art class.

Labyrinth project

2010-10-25T16:46:00.000-07:00

Sharpie and pencil. For sale.

More fun with Sculpey!!!

2010-10-20T20:02:00.000-07:00

This is the End

2010-10-14T13:19:00.000-07:00

I'm not too happy with it, but hey, it's my first attempt at Sculpey and oil painting. Also, I rushed it because I thought it was due today. I'll get better.

Harley Poe at the Brass Rail

2010-10-11T14:31:00.000-07:00

Don't miss this show; it's gonna be a real good time.

I'm practicing alchemy now.

2010-10-08T08:58:00.000-07:00

I'm taking a 3-D art class this semester and my professor suggested I play around with Sculpey for a future project. Now I can't put the stuff down. I love creating these characters; if only I could find a way to breathe life into them. stay tuned, more on the way.

Ten Favorite Horror Films

2010-09-30T18:15:00.000-07:00

18"x24" Charcoal and migraine.

Tomorrow is the 1st of October and Halloween is finally on its way. Last year at this time TheHorrorBlog.com asked me for a list of my ten favorite horror films to post for its readers, but nothing ever came of it, so I thought I'd go ahead and post it here. Please feel free to comment or post your own ten favorite horror films.

1. The Return of the Living Dead (Dan O’Bannon)
I was about six years old when I first experienced this film. It was Halloween night and I was allowed to stay up and watch it with a friend as long as my dad also stayed up to make sure nothing appeared on the screen that was too scary or dirty for our young minds to handle. Dad dozed off ten minutes in, and this impressionable first-grader got his first eye full of Linnea Quigley in the nude along with an introduction to the brain eating world of clever and fast-moving zombies. How could this movie not have changed my life?

2. Night of the Demons (Kevin S. Tenney)
Just like O’Bannon’s masterpiece, Tenney’s haunted house perversion features all the same elements that make for a horror fan’s wet dream: A topless Linnea Quigley, a heavy metal/punk rock soundtrack, possessed corpses, and gore galore! I remember seeing the TV spot when the movie was first released in theaters. I’ll never forget that image of the burned-up-demon-possessed Angela as she spewed the words, “Where you going, the party’s just begun?” As part of my tradition, I watch this film every Halloween.

3. PumpkinHead (Stan Winston)
Next to the Alien franchise, this move features the coolest man-in-a-rubber-suit monster of all time. I don’t care for the sequels, but the original Pumpkinhead demon looks believable and is scary as hell. My brother and I grew up watching this film, but even after viewing it over twenty years later, I still can’t get over how realistic the demon appears to be. The dismal mood of the film, Lance Henriksen’s brilliant portrayal of a bereaved and suffering father, and the overall makeup effects are very convincing and make this film a hard one to dismiss.

4. An American Werewolf in London (John Landis)
I mustn’t leave out my favorite werewolf film. I got my first peak of the famous Rick Baker transformation at a party my aunt was throwing. The adults were outside drinking and my older teenage cousin and I were secretly watching the film on cable whenever one of them wasn’t coming in to get another beer. We eventually got caught, but not before getting to witness Nazi demons, explicit sex, mutilated ghosts, and the greatest man-to-beast transformation ever committed to celluloid. The film also mixes a perfect blend of comedy and terror.

5. Nightbreed (Clive Barker)
I normally don’t care for sequels, but this film deserves one damn it! The wondrous world that Barker introduces to the audience merits deeper exploration. The monsters are creative, the story is mesmerizing, and David Cronenberg makes a perfect bad guy. I want more!!! I heard from an interview with Barker that an extended version might be released in the future. Praise Satan!

6. Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night 2 (Bruce Pittman)
I honestly haven’t watched this one in quite awhile, but I’ve always considered it a favorite. Writing this list has made me want to check it out again. I’m excited to sit down and watch that possessed rocking horse terrorize the film's heroine. And who could forget the scene where she gets sucked into a chalkboard?

7. TerrorVision (Ted Nicolaou)
WON’T SOMEONE PLEASE GIVE THIS FILM A LEGITIMATE DVD RELEASE??!!!!

8. The Thing (John Carpenter)
John Carpenter’s remake of the 1950’s classic is probably my favorite creature-from-outer-space movie. This was a tough one to decide, because I have a lot of favorites when it comes to aliens landing on our planet with plans to take over. I hold this one a little closer to my heart probably because it left impressions on me at a young age. I still find myself watching it every winter and in complete awe of the performances, the Rob Bottin effects, and the overall feelings of isolation and hopelessness the film conveys.

9. Near Dark (Kathryn Bigelow)
I have two favorite vampire flicks, and even though Fright Night takes me back to the good old days, Bigelow’s bad ass version of the vampire is just too original and violent not to make this list. This film threw many conventions out the window in exchange for a fresh take on a monster that continues to over saturate the genre. Also, the vampires are so well played I can’t help but find myself rooting for the villains. The scene of the bar massacre alone is reason enough to love the film.

10. Spookies (Eugenie Joseph, Thomas Doran, Brendan Faulkner)
This was another one I used to watch as a kid. It’s been awhile since I’ve seen it, but I’m pretty sure it’s still as bad as I remember. I first noticed this movie on VHS at a video store located in a super market and was turned on by the cover art. The acting is silly and the effects aren’t that great, but there are plenty of monsters and the cover doesn’t mislead. The movie just has a certain charm that captivates me, but, alas, if I want to watch it I have to pull out my old VHS player.

Art Class Projects

2010-09-16T19:37:00.000-07:00

In class exercise. For sale.

18"x24" Graphite and casserole grease.

Harley Poe's upcoming show with Those Poor Bastards

2010-09-06T08:04:00.000-07:00

We are very excited to take the stage with Those Poor Bastards this October. Once in awhile Harley Poe gets to be privileged enough to play with great bands such as the Two Man Gentlemen Band, Southern Culture on the Skids and Rev. Peyton's Big Damn Band, and we couldn't be more grateful for the opportunity to open for these two fellas as well.

Who cares about art?

2010-08-19T12:52:00.000-07:00

Commissioned work

Created for a presentation in a children's literature class I attended.

SHE DEMONS

2010-07-13T21:12:00.000-07:00

Astor, 1958, Director: Richard Cunha

Praise the film gods for allowing this cheese fest to be made! This celluloid treasure has everything a beer-and-pretzels-so-bad-it’s-good-movie party could ask for: a German mad scientist known as The Butcher executing ghastly experiments on an island full of blonde beach babes in hopes to make his hideously deformed wife beautiful again; his right-hand man named Igor; Nazi Gestapo imprisoning and torturing the aforesaid beach babes; clumsy fight scenes between the hero and Igor; the good guys’ near death escape from armed soldiers, an erupting volcano, and air force missile raids; and did I mention that the beach babes shake ass to a sexy, ritualistic dance, are clothed in brief two-pieces, and, oh, get morphed into ravenous, flesh-eating SHE DEMONS!?! This film is available on DVD from Image Entertainment. Check this bitch out.

ATTACK OF THE CRAB MONSTERS

2010-07-08T20:37:00.000-07:00

Allied Artists, 1957, Director: Roger Corman

Being a cult classic and a Roger Corman film, one would think there'd be a better DVD release than what has been made available. This film can also be viewed in pieces on YouTube, but I've been holding out for a special edition. Anyone out there have a copy of the now out of print DVD, send it my way please.

BLOOD OF DRACULA

2010-07-08T20:34:00.000-07:00

Aka Blood of the Demon, Blood of My Heritage, American-International, 1957, Director: Herbert L. Strock

This downbeat, teenage vampire tale not only delivers a female monster, but a female mad scientist/high school teacher who is ultimately responsible for the havoc that takes place within a private preparatory school for girls. Nancy is not only victimized by her parents, who force her from her social life and drop her at the school, but also by her science teacher Miss Branding, who uses an amulet from the Carpathian Mountains to hypnotize her into becoming an ugly bloodsucker. Branding’s experiments are for the greater good, so a few deaths and the devastation of Nancy’s being are of no consequence to her. Nancy’s father has a honeymoon to enjoy with his new wife (just six weeks after his first wife’s death), so leaving his daughter with strangers to assume his parental responsibilities is not his concern. In the end, Nancy is the one who suffers, and there’s no denying that the adults are the real monsters. Even though there is a serious message about parents expecting the schools to raise their children, and teachers and school boards that are involved for all the wrong reasons, it’s hard to take the film too seriously when Jerry Blaine sings his song “Puppy Love” at a party, while all the girls break out in dance. Good stuff.

THE MONSTER OF PIEDRAS BLANCAS

2010-07-05T09:26:00.000-07:00

Filmservice Distribution Corp., 1959, Director: Irvin Berwick

I've not seen this film either.

IT CONQUERED THE WORLD

2010-07-05T09:21:00.000-07:00

American-International, 1956, Director: Roger Corman

Won't someone release this film on DVD already!?!?!?!

THE SHE CREATURE

2010-07-05T09:05:00.000-07:00

American-International, 1956, Director: Edward L. Cahn

The Paul Blaisdell creation, known as Cuddles according to Bob Burns, is the materialization of a prehistoric female that comes from the sea to kill the enemies of the carnie hypnotist Dr. Carlo Lombardi. The egomaniacal doctor uses deep hypnosis to transmigrate the soul of his assistant Andrea into her first life body, millions of years prior to her present self. His experiments with the controlled Andrea are to prove re-incarnation and gain recognition, but his plans are foiled by the balanced and open-minded Dr. Ted Erickson who falls in love with the lovely assistant.

I’ve watched this one several times and enjoy it more with each viewing. Check out the book It Came from Bob’s Basement: Exploring the Science Fiction and Monster Movie Archive of Bob Burns for anecdotes about the creation of the monster. Lions Gate released the film on DVD as a double feature with Day the World Ended (1955) a few years back, so check it out.

THE HIDEOUS SUN DEMON

2010-06-24T20:24:00.000-07:00

Pacific-International, 1959, Director: Robert Clarke

This is another monster whose image I’d been familiar with through my collection of horror books and magazines long before seeing the film. Dr. Gilbert McKenna, played by the director, is a hard drinking, lady killing, atomic research scientist who gets exposed to radioactive material, which causes him to become a scaly lizard mutant whenever he’s out in the sun, thus making him a creature of the light rather than the night. This transformation has something to do with the sun’s gamma-rays bringing about a state of backwards evolution (not sure how that works), ultimately causing poor Dr. McKenna to lose his mind and go on a killing spree. The movie is silly, at times violent, and a lot of fun, ending with the usual fate of the 1950's radiation induced monster. But I sure couldn't help feeling sorry for the poor guy. This film was later redubbed, with new footage added, and re-titled What’s up, Hideous Sun Demon (1983), as if it weren’t silly enough the way it was. Check out Image Entertainment's DVD releases of both titles.

INVASION OF THE SAUCER-MEN

2010-06-07T14:34:00.000-07:00

Aka Invasion of the Hell Creatures, American-International, 1957, Director: Edward L. Cahn

When I was a boy, I had this little orange rubber figure of the film’s titular creature. At the time, I had no idea my monster toy had anything to do with a movie by which I’d eventually become intrigued, and I’m sure either my mother sold it at a garage sale, or it’s lost in a closet somewhere; but I remember my little creature having big eyes protruding out of a huge veined head. This character had come with a set of other plastic monsters, one of which I now remember as the giant reptilian Ymir from the sci-fi classic 20 Million Miles to Earth (1957).

A few years ago, I discovered a book called Sleaze Creatures: An Illustrated Guide to Obscure Hollywood Horror Movies 1956-1959 written by D. Earl Worth. The book features black and white photos with a written plot of each film featured within its pages. One of the films featured is Invasion of the Saucer-Men. I’ve never seen this movie, but I am now familiar with the story, have watched the trailer via YouTube, and have finally gotten a good look at these little green (brown?) men. I’ve also heard there is a legitimate DVD release on its way, so I’m crossing my fingers and keeping a look out. If anyone out there happens to have a VHS copy or bootleg on DVD, please feel free to send to me an early Halloween gift.

A Nightmare on Elm Street 2010

2010-05-23T07:21:00.000-07:00

So I finally got a chance to see the new A Nightmare on Elm Street last night and I was very impressed. Of course I had no expectations due to some lousy reviews I read online, but I don’t think my preconceived notions had much to do with the enjoyment I got out of this film. I was a little bored during the first twenty minutes or so, and a few of the script’s one-liners along with some of the effects had my eyes rolling, but by the time the end credits rolled I found myself loving the film. First of all, one could easily feel a sense of desperation throughout the movie. The young actors had me convinced they hadn’t slept for days but were too afraid to close their eyes. I was especially impressed with the heaviness the two leads conveyed. Secondly, Freddy looked great! I heard that some silly critics were disappointed because the new make-up rendered Freddy expressionless, but that’s nonsense. This new Freddy is evil, and this evil wasn’t just evident in his actions, but in his facial expressions as well. The Freddy Krueger played by Robert Englund became such a cultural icon that he stopped being scary. He became funny, and audiences began to root for him. In the theater I was in, by the time the movie’s heroes defeated Freddy at the end, people were cheering. The new Freddy was definitely not liked by the crowd, mainly because this new version of the story really emphasized that Freddy was a pedophile. Jackie Earle Haley’s performance and suggestive dialogue about molesting his victims when they were children made the viewer feel uncomfortable. This new Freddy isn’t a joke. He’s not a cartoon character and he won’t be the antihero he was in the 80s. It’s easy to tell that I obviously enjoyed this remake. The film offered new twists, good performances, mostly impressive eye candy, and a Freddy that will actually give the audience nightmares.

A Nightmare on Elm Street

2010-05-21T07:19:00.000-07:00

As of this writing, I still haven’t seen the new A Nightmare on Elm Street, but I plan to take my wife to the theater tonight if we can find someone to watch Ransom. I don’t really have any expectations for the film, so I probably won’t be disappointed, though a lot of the people I’ve talked to about it don’t seem thrilled over the reworking of their childhood hero. Even though I’d rather see new ideas, I don’t mind all the remakes, and it doesn’t bother me that Hollywood has made it its mission to upgrade all the horror icons of the last three decades. So far, I’ve enjoyed most of them with few exceptions. In fact, some have proven to be better than the originals. Besides, studios have been doing it since the beginning of cinema. Freddy, Jason, Michael, and Leatherface are all horror icons. They’re the Dracula, Frankenstein, Wolf Man, and Mummy of the 80s. I wonder if fans protested so much when Hammer Studios did their take on those Universal monsters in the late 50s through the early 70s. Any horror icon’s story that has been made into a successful franchise is eventually going to be retold as technology evolves and new generations become interested. It’s not a big deal, and I’m tired of hearing horror nerds cry about it. Get over it already.

Anyway, I’ve just finished watching the original A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984) along with all its sequels in order to freshen up on what used to be the primary topic of conversation during school lunch and recess. I own the Freddy box set that was released several years back and have watched these films many times, but this was a special viewing. Over the last week while watching these movies I’ve been taking a stroll down memory lane and reminiscing about my initial childhood viewings of these influential celluloid nightmares. Watching Freddy movies always brings me back to my years as a dorky little nerd with glasses and a buzz cut, and I still remember how frightening it was to see those knives for the first time.

I was about seven years old when I was first subjected to the terror that is Fred Krueger. I don’t think my mother realized the content of the film when she let my grandmother record it on a VHS tape for us kids. My memory is a little hazy, but I remember that I was in the house on a sunny day waiting for my mother to return from wherever she was. My father was at work, and I have no clue where my brother and sister could’ve been. I’m also not sure if she had let me watch it as to keep me busy until she returned, or if I had decided on my own accord without her knowing. Whichever the case, the movie had only been playing for about twenty minutes when I grabbed our English bulldog and ran for the back door. After witnessing him build his infamous glove, get his face ripped off, and slice up his first victim, I knew Freddy was in my house and I wasn’t about to let him get me and my dog. So I waited outside where the sun was shining. When my mother arrived and found me sitting in the driveway with my arms around my dog, scared shitless, she made the decision to permanently ban Freddy from our household. One would think I would have acceded to her ruling, but still I found ways of letting the master of nightmares into my mind.

Though Freddy scared me shitless as a kid, it never deterred my interest in the movies and merchandise. My mother made sure I wasn’t able to watch Freddy films at the house, but I always kept up with the story line via my school buddies whose parents allowed them to make Freddy a father figure. I also found ways to see a couple of the sequels by going to sleepovers with friends. I remember getting to watch A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: the Dream Master (1988) at my cousin’s home. I had spent the weekend with him, and he was allowed to watch things that I could only read about. When A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: the Dream Child (1989) was released in theaters my mother allowed me to buy the book adaptation. I also recall having her approval to stay up on Friday nights to watch the Freddy’s Nightmares (1988-1990) TV show, subsequently making the couch my bed. So I guess my mom loosened up a bit as I got older and Freddy became a national hero of sort. Today, watching Freddy on the screen elicits laughter rather than scares (a lot of it intentional), but I’m hoping this new remake will bring me back to a time when I was too frightened to finish a movie.

Wretched. Filthy. Ugly.

2010-04-24T12:29:00.001-07:00

I used to be in a punk band called Calibretto 13. At that time I was a Christian, and as a result, most of my lyrics were based on my religious convictions. As the band toured and I got older, I began to outgrow Christianity and regain interest in my first love: horror films. I began to write more lyrics based on horrific situations, death, and murderers, which ultimately caused Calibretto 13 to get kicked off our record label. The band dropped the 13 and joined a new label only to break up shortly afterward. While Calibretto was still playing shows, I was brainstorming about a horror based project I wanted to pursue called Harley Poe. After Calibretto disbanded, it’s members helped me record the first Harley Poe album. After that, we went our separate ways and Harley Poe found new members. The roster for Harley Poe hasn’t changed for some time and our new album and fourth release Wretched. Filthy. Ugly. will be available in a couple days from Chain Smoking Records. I’ve decided to give some explanations for my lyrics from the new album. Feel free to comment or ask questions.

1. “Gordon” was initially a poem I had written and illustrated for a book that never got published, so I thought it would make a fun song. I used a familiar melody that has been used numerous times for hymns, but it might be hard to tell since we speeded it up and added a bunch of stops to make it punk rock.
2. I discovered the Tiger Lillies through Rue Morgue magazine a few years ago and have since acquired several of their albums. I love their song “Terrible.” It’s so offensive and fucked up; Harley Poe just had to cover it. I decided to put it on the album because it felt so natural for us to play. Of course, we don’t do it as well as the Tiger Lillies, but I think we’ve made it our own.
3. “Kokomo” is simply a song about the giant landfill I call home. There really is nothing to do around this factory town except get high and bitch about all the religious trash, low-lives, and bigots who make up the majority, unless you’re into cruisin’ around the mall with your stereo blasted like an asshole. This is the place where those with potential flee at the moment an opportunity presents itself. I’ve never known anyone to come back to this shit-hole after they’ve escaped, and most of my scumbag friends have moved away. So why am I still here? I guess it’s because it really doesn’t matter where I live; people are everywhere. No matter what city I live in, I’m surrounded by them, and as much as people need people, I’d sure like to burn up most of them.
4. To people who don’t really know me, I might come off as pessimistic or bitter, but in my mind I’m a very positive, happy person. I love my wife and kids, and I’m grateful for the life I’ve been given. I’m such a happy person that the possibility of this world ending sounds likes a beautiful idea. I think the problem with me is that since I view life with such a positive outlook and innocence, I have no tolerance for abusers, religious bigots, chauvinists, irresponsible parents, and stupid, rude, inconsiderate, greedy, and mean people in general. Maybe I’m a prig, or maybe I just expect too much from the human race. Either way, come the Zombie Apocalypse, I’ll take it as a sign that God also has lost tolerance for those people and is ready to start over again. I welcome that day with open arms. After all, it’s only the end of the world.
5. “Suckers” is about a schmuck who has no respect for women and gets what he deserves when he runs into a girl a little too eager to get her mouth around the blue vein. Listen to the lyrics.
6. “That Time of the Month” is about my wife. Every time she’s on her period she turns into a werewolf.
7. If you couldn’t tell, “Everybody Knows My Name” is a declaration from Death. After the chorus, it’s no longer Death speaking but one of Death’s victims crying out to God.
8. I like surf music. I arranged a surf song with the boys. The sound clips come from old horror films.
9. “Maria” is my remake of The Exorcist in lyrical form. One day I’ll direct it.
10. “Stick It in the Man” is an autobiographical song about reaching my dreams and telling the skeptics and those who would get in my way to fuck off. It’s about feeling good about what you’re doing and taking what you want, and in my case, being in God’s will. Many people think because I’m not a Christian anymore that I’m no longer in touch with God, but I think those people are silly.

Rosemary's Baby

2010-02-04T07:00:00.000-08:00

Awful feelings came with the viewing of Rosemary’s Baby (1968) about seven years ago when I witnessed it for the first time along with some other unsuspecting innocents. I’ve watched it two or three times since that evening and I’ve felt those same awful feelings every time. Suffice it to say, I love this film. I’m not sure if it’s because of my Christian background that this movie so disturbs me, or if it’s because the bad guys win in such a conniving way, but whatever the reasons, the film evokes feelings of dread and anxiety that grab hold of my soul and don’t let go for days.

It probably wasn’t a good idea, but I watched it again about three weeks ago, shortly after finding out that my wife is having another baby. I couldn’t get that creepy music out of my head for the rest of that night. But it’s not just the music that causes me unease; knowing that the protagonist’s husband betrays her for his career is also a disturbing thought. What husband, if he truly loves her, would let the Devil impregnate his wife with the Antichrist just so he can further his career? It’s absurd. Even the very surreal and effective ending, when the witches are all singing praises to Satan while the mother looks upon her beastly baby deciding whether or not to care for him, seems over-the-top and plain silly. So why does the ending especially freak me out every time I watch it? Maybe it’s the sincerity of the actors, or Roman Polanski’s thoughtful direction of the film that convinces me to feel uneasy; or maybe it’s the reality of knowing that there really are evil people out there with an agenda to bring about chaos and disorder for personal gain. More than that, maybe it’s the notion that I too could be capable of selling out to Satan to appease my selfishness...if he existed.

Open Water

2010-01-23T08:45:00.000-08:00

I remember going to see Chris Kentis’ Open Water (2004) in the theater with some friends a week or two after it had been released. Except for our little group, the theater was pretty much empty. By the time the film was over, I was in awe of its ability to put my mind in such a state of uneasiness, but I don’t think my party shared my view. Most of them thought the movie was drawn out and boring. One of my friends suggested the outcome was inevitable. In his opinion, it was quite obvious that the couple was never going to be rescued, rendering the ending less affective. I disagree. Throughout the whole film I held on to the notion that there was still hope for the husband and wife. In the end, when they finally succumbed to their fates, my hopes were crushed. I remember being disturbed by the way the wife finally gave in—just when the authorities had sent out a rescue party.

Something like that could easily happen to anybody. The thought of my wife and I getting left in the middle of the ocean while on vacation utterly terrifies me. A few years ago I took a cruise to Jamaica with my family, and I remember looking out into the ocean on one of the late nights when no one else was around. I had thought to myself, if I fall overboard nobody will be able to save me. The thought was mesmerizing. I know this may seem crazy, but I was so hypnotized by that awesome view, I almost felt compelled to jump. It was as if I were being called to some unknown world that would cost me my life to enter; a world full of creatures that my imagination couldn’t create. I wouldn’t say I have a phobia, but when I think about the greatness of the oceans and the mysteries that lie beneath, I tend to feel a little uneasy. So yeah, the idea of being left in the middle of an abyss scares me.

Eden Lake

2010-01-22T11:04:00.000-08:00

I can recall the exact date I first experienced James Watkins' Eden Lake (2008). It was the 22nd of March last year that I was so troubled by what I witnessed on the screen that I decided to write a letter to the editor of Rue Morgue magazine. I’ve copied the letter here, because I feel it gives a clear illustration of how I felt, and continue to feel, about this picture:

Dear Jovanka,
I’m trying to think of a way to begin this letter, but I guess I already have, so I’ll just get straight to the point. First off, I am a horror film junkie, and in most cases, the sicker the better in my opinion. I watch horror films to be disturbed, or turned on, or even just for a laugh, but I’ve never been moved the way I was tonight while viewing the film Eden Lake.

Personally, this film is by far one of the most important works of art I’ve experienced in years. Its message was so poignant and disturbing, yet so encouraging at the same time. I’m sure you’ve seen it and I wonder if you share my appreciation for such a responsible film. As I was watching I was hoping for some kind of a happy revenge-type ending, but instead I got one that will be stuck in my mind for days. It amazes me how such a visceral and suspenseful film can convey such a profound yet simple message while forcing its audience to question their own morals and responsibilities as parents, teachers, and role models to the generations after us. I was able to relate to the protagonist, myself majoring in elementary education. I consider myself one of the good guys—someone who’d rather influence the world around me positively—even though many would say I’m responsible for corrupting young minds through explicit and subversive music and art. I also have a ten month old to whom it is my duty to raise with a kind and compassionate heart. I have an understanding that if I love my child he will love others, and if I hurt my child he will most likely hurt others. This film, in my opinion, focuses on the consequences of a world where irresponsible adults fail to accept their roles in shaping a younger generation to do what is right and adhere to some kind of moral code. The future of our race really is in our children’s hands. It’s our job to make sure we’re teaching them compassion, character, and integrity. The true horror is that we ourselves don’t know compassion, character, or integrity. What I’m trying to say is that this film encouraged me to continue my studies and become a teacher to help mold young minds. Who knows? Their parents might be failing to do so.

Bravo to the director and writer for conveying an important message through art, and best of all horrific art. This is an intelligent film for social-minded people. Anyone with an awareness of horror that goes beyond boobs, blood, and beasts—though all three elements are definite perks—should check out Eden Lake and hopefully be encouraged to accept responsibility for those who are younger and more impressionable. Either that or just stop reproducing.
Yours truly,
Joseph Whiteford

Somebody, shut off my brain.

2010-01-22T10:51:00.000-08:00

My mind has been fucking with me lately. I’ve been bothered with all this shit floating around in this small brain of mine. I notice that my tics have been more severe than usual and that scares me, because I twitch and fidget all day just to tense up in bed when I finally collapse, hours after I get my ass off this couch; and worse than that, my little boy emulates my every move. It scares me to witness his little idiosyncrasies when he gets excited: the curling of his fingers, the tensing of his neck muscles, and his unintentional refusal to breathe when he gets overwhelmed with happiness. Am I abusing my child?

There are many things eating at me lately. Not only do I feel that I have no time to finish projects and goals I’ve set for myself, but I’ve been eating way too much ice cream (and nothing else). Also, as excited as I am about my wife being pregnant with another bundle of fulfillment, I’m worried about the expense and fatigue that come along with adding another being to our little family. And though I love art and music, my band has been working on the new Harley Poe album for about two years now and I’m just to the point where I don’t care how it turns out, I just want it finished; but even if we do finish it, then what? Though I have a great desire to tour, it’s just too hard to leave my babies behind; and since I’m not touring, I’d better find a career in a secure vocation that can support my family.

So here I am two years into becoming an elementary school teacher, knowing without a doubt that I’d much rather make a living as a writer or an artist or a musician of some kind. I realized yesterday through my IUK education class that my motives are all wrong for becoming a teacher. I think I’m supposed to be doing something else, but do I take a chance and go to art school? Do I drop out, get a retail job, and hope that I begin to sell more paintings or that some big wig randomly discovers my band and wants to give me lots of money for playing at the same bar every month? Is it more realistic to let my wife bring in the money while I change diapers and attempt to write a bestselling novel or picture book, or should I ignore these feelings, suck it up, jump into a career that might not bring fulfillment, and regret my decisions until I die?

Honestly, my intention for writing this post was not to vent about mundane issues (I'm just good at doing that), but to give praise to three films that never fail to fuck with my head. These movies are Rosemary’s Baby (1968), Open Water (2004), and Eden Lake (2008). For all different reasons, after viewing any of these three poignant works of art, I’m left with emotions that keep me from sleep and stress me out, just like the shit that’s been floating around in my small brain. Within my next three posts, I will discuss the reasons why I’m so affected by these three masterpieces.

Terror Train

2009-12-31T07:06:00.000-08:00

I remember surfing the idiot box one night after my dad had fallen asleep on the couch and my mom had gone to bed. I’m guessing I was in fifth or sixth grade at the time. There’s no doubt I was looking for something to satiate my perpetual preteen lust for the opposite sex, when I came across a program with the title Women of Terror or Women in Horror, or something along those lines. From what I gathered, the show contained bits of scenes from scary movies featuring women in horrific situations; or maybe it was a show paying tribute to scream queens. I had only caught the last ten minutes or so of the program, so I don’t remember much about it, but I do recall the scene that was playing when I first switched to the channel it was on: My eyes were glued to the picture box containing this distressed woman being chased by an axe-wielding villain wearing a robe and a creepy mask. I had to turn down the volume as to not wake my dad, because there was so much screaming. The scene was nail biting. I couldn’t believe at the time that so much blood and torture was being shown on television, especially when the pursuer pulled out the lady’s earring, right before she jabbed a paper spike through his cheek. The segment was shortly over, along with the program, but the images had been burned in my impressionable mind and I often wondered about the movie from which that nightmare had been taken.

Fast forward to the year 2004 when the movie Terror Train (1980) was released on DVD. At that time I already owned a pretty big horror film collection and never thought twice about picking up new DVD releases of older movies that I had heard were classics. I had never seen the film so I was ecstatic when, to my surprise, the protagonist got her earring ripped out by a psycho in a creepy mask and a robe. That terrified cutie was Jamie Lee Curtis, and the scene wasn’t nearly as bloody or as scary as I had perceived as a child. No matter, I had finally found the film that had so frightened me as a boy while flipping through the boob tube looking for boobs.

Anyway, I’m reminiscing about this experience because tonight is New Year’s Eve, and the atrocities featured in Terror Train take place on New Year’s Eve. This is another one of those films I love to watch every year at this time. The movie is by no means a masterpiece, but it is entertaining enough, and getting trashed (not axed) with a bunch of friends in a train on New Year’s Eve sounds like a blast! I think I’ve just made my party plans for next year…minus the psycho killer.

Looking for a Good Christmas Movie to Watch this Season?

2009-12-22T07:47:00.000-08:00

Here are seven of the many Christmas horror films I tend to watch every December. Some are classics and some are just rotten.

Black Christmas (1974)
On Christmas day when the rest of the country is reminiscing through A Christmas Story (1983), horror fans will be observing Bob Clark’s other holiday masterpiece Black Christmas. A deranged killer has snuck into a sorority house and is discreetly picking off the sisters while making obscene phone calls to those still alive through the housemother’s private line. Black Christmas set a standard for horror films with its innovative execution of scenes through the killer’s perspective, original story, and still poignant ending. Nice humorous touches and involving performances keep the sometimes slow pace moving. Black Christmas is a truly terrifying experience, but watch out for the 2006 remake.

Gremlins (1984)
To creature lovers who were tykes growing up in the 1980’s, Gremlins will always be hailed as a Christmas classic! One need not be a horror fan to enjoy this highly entertaining, cautionary Yuletide tale about little green monsters running amok in the troubled town of Kingston Falls. Gremlins offers a fun balance of scares and laughs, silly at times, but never skimping on the elements that give the film the bit of terror to keep the horror hounds happy. The great puppetry and effects that are displayed before the days of CGI never seem to become outmoded, and the likable cast brings depth to the film. Gremlins is mandatory viewing for the Christmas season.

Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984)
“Are you scared? You should be; Christmas Eve is the scariest damn night of the year.” If it’s not bad enough that little Billy’s crazy grandfather scared the shit out of him by telling him Santa likes to punish bad children, later that night Billy’s parents get murdered by a cutthroat dressed in a Santa suit. After growing up in a Catholic orphanage, Billy finds employment at a toy store where he is asked to play old fatty, which evokes his haunting past, causing him to go on the inevitable, murderous rampage. A favorite amongst sleaze enthusiasts, this slasher film was pulled from theaters due to protesting parents. Among the many reasons to check it out, one gets to see the salacious Linnea Quigley impaled by antlers.

You Better Watch Out, A.K.A Christmas Evil (1980)
Harry Stadling is an unbalanced but thoughtful social misfit who is obsessed with Christmas and the delusion of being Santa Claus. He spends his days collecting dolls and Christmas memorabilia, spying on children while keeping track of their deeds, and getting badgered by his associates at the toy factory until the big day when he can reward the nice and punish the naughty. This strange film has a sad but touching tone to it. Even though Harry punishes his hecklers via toy soldiers and Christmas tree toppers, it’s obvious that he genuinely cares for the children and believes he’s acting on the spirit of Christmas. A magical ending and a strong protagonist for whom the viewer can sympathize make this film worth checking out.

Inside (2007)
Those who like their holidays violent and cruel have a reason to celebrate, because there’s nothing holly or jolly about this ultra bloody French film other than the setting is the night before Christmas. For those who enjoy gallons of gore rather than eggnog, this desolate little treasure is a gift to behold. A young pregnant woman trapped in her home on Christmas Eve is being terrorized by a scissor wielding psycho with one objective: to rip out her victim’s fetus and mutilate anyone who gets in her way. Relentless to the senses and lacking depth, this film is definitely not for everyone, but those with a love for the genre will embrace its aesthetic harshness of punctured faces and blood tarnished floors.

Night Train Murders (1975)
One of Great Britain’s notorious “video nasties,” this Italian imitation of The Last House on the Left (1972) is a raunchy treat. Two college cuties returning home for the Holidays by train find themselves at the mercy of a couple of lowlife delinquents and a mysterious woman who instigates said delinquents to humiliate, beat, and rape the coeds. On Christmas morning the culprits inadvertently end up at the home of one of the girls to face the wrath of her father who, before he had found out about his daughter’s calamity, claimed to be a nonviolent person. It seems the filmmakers were attempting to comment on the growing rate of violence in society, but they’re not fooling anyone. Night Train Murders is absolute exploitation and will make for nasty X-mas viewing.

P2 (2007)
Tom is a lonely parking garage attendant obsessed with the busy and beautiful Angela who works in the building above him. On Christmas Eve he decides to show her just how deranged he is by trapping and forcing her to spend the rest of the night dining and getting to know him and his dog Bucky. P2 is a pretty routine thriller with nothing new to offer, but the cast plays it straight with good emotion, and there is plenty of gore and a few good scares. It’s hard to tell what Tom’s ultimate intentions are towards Angela, other than being a complete weirdo, but one can easily see he has no qualms about smashing cars and heads. The whole movie takes place in the parking garage and the building above, causing a bit of monotony, but it’s still worth a look.